Dearest Yusuf and baby,
Im sorry my posts have been of sorrow and frustration lately. And this is another one i'm afraid. But do know it doesn't happen on a daily basis alhamdulillah. God is that kind to me. It's just that i need a place to vent and by talking imaginatively to you both gives me solace and comfort. I'll try and make it not so disheartening ok?
U see, i just feel lost of support and love lately. Don't get me wrong. None of it came from either of you. In fact both of you are the only ones that i'm damn confident loves me for who i am. And Allah of course. But being a person of not so high iman, i sometimes doubt He loves me. But i'm trying my best to push that thought out of me ok? Why? Coz it's wrong and forbidden ok my babies! Both of u don't sesekali doubt His love. The signs of His love are too many for the human mind to count or comprehend! So please don't take over this flaw from mommy ok? And because i don't want that in both of you, i will try my bestest to show you how being grateful to Him is done iA. Both of you are my ever-growing motivators!
You see, Allah is right in telling us not to expect much out of humanly love. Coz they are bound to dissappoint you and will not be able to sustain or be in constant increment for you. Only His love is all that. So i'm now learning to only seek for His love and be dependent to it only. Coz He promised that He will never let me down. And He will always answer and return my love as long as i want His. And His love is eternal. And He never breaks His promises.
Plus, the love for another human being comes and goes. Waxes and wanes. And it could just decrease and diminish altogether. Simple reasons could be because of boredom or frustration of one another. We humans take pride of being the most intelligent because of our ability to think and having the most complex brain function compared to all other life forms on earth. But sadly, our emotional sympathy and empathy towards each other might not be superior than that of a tiger or a monkey. They seem to portray genuinity in love and compassion without prejudice way better than most of us. Thus i'm keeping animal planet on our astro subscription for us to watch and learn ok? :)
And do know that just because ur related by blood to another person, does not guarantee one bit that you will get the love and respect that you have been tricked into believing. I've had my fair shares of just having the company for laughter and happiness only, but left to float in my boat alone when i'm sad or hurt. It's the "i tak nak masuk campur" or "not my problem" attitude that made me a victim countless times. And just because i'm the eldest, i'm so-called the one that has to be the most understanding and can supposedly handle my issues on my own. If only i have turned them down before when they needed me for comfort. Will they then realize how disrespectful they have been towards me? But that is why their lives are the way it is, and how mine turned up beautifully like this. God is Most Fair. Guess it's whether or not they are "smart" enough to realize it.
So mommy prays, really hard, that both of you will have a great, strong and loving relationship as siblings. You may notice how it is done, but just because it will look one-sided from me, do know i'm not being nice for them. I'm doing it because of Him. i'm seeking for His love. And He loves it when you do good things to please Him regardless if you're treated badly in return. And i do it because i want to enter His jannah IA. So i'm gonna try my bestest to raise you both well with full of individual, not-shared, love. Don't ever doubt that mommy can have lots of love given to me to shower you both with them EACH. A mommy's heart will never have limits of love for their kids. The more children she has, the more love is injected in her to be given for that new child. Percayalah!
And one more thing u need to believe, is that mommies are given super strength and powers to be able to do all that single-handedly! That's right! To have a partner with her is a bonus. But do know that the same bonus is not for everybody. That bonus can be in many other forms too. So whichever type of bonus you both will get, remember that they are not meant to last. And it can be as little as a one-off thingy to some, and a few times to others. All that is from His knowledge. Yang penting, is to get the ultimate reward that is confirmed long lasting iA. That, my babies, will be in the akhirat. So i'm ok with just on and off bonuses here. And with or without it, my love for you will not be affected or falter one bit iA!
To think my problems are of a great deal, it is nothing compared to the victims of the missing airplane MH370, which was confirmed to have been missing for good tonite. The whole dissappearance and search and rescue took 17 days till this announcement came from our prime minister. 17 days sayang! I'm sure not a day goes by without full of worry from the victim's family members. I wouldn't want to imagine the horror being traded places in their shoes. May their souls rest in peace and be amongst the righteous insyaAllah.
I guess that is all for tonite sayangs. Alhamdulillah, i actually do feel better. Don't worry about mommy too much when you both are able to read this. It's definitely not the lowest point of my life as i dramatically made it to be. I guess i'm just sad, and frustrated for the need of my own voice to be heard. But i know it is being heard. It's just that i've been concentrating and expecting help from the wrong source. Silly me. I know better now. And hope to be istiqamah with this guidance given to me iA.
Adik, hang in there ok? Mommy tak stress mana. I doa that all this realization will pass down to you so that you will have an epic emotional quotience and empathy for people. And none whatsoever of my emotional outbursts. In fact, with you being in me, has helped me able to think rationally and act unselfishly. Simply because i want you, and abang, to be a much better person than i am. And most importantly, full of love for our Maker. InsyaAllah.
Goodnight darlings. I know you both know that I love you. Very much.