Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Lover's hate notes

Hola everyone! I'm about to share my experience i had so that we could learn and improvise ourselves from our many imperfections.

I realised that whenever i feel sad, letdown, or angry i will want to write about it. pretty depressing i know, but i agree it is part of the therapy to cool off and reflect.

it all started when i had yet another argument with my boyfriend. wait.. not my boyfriend, he's my hubby-to-be. (or so that is what he insist to be reffered to).. and i noticed we had done it frequently since our "merisik" ceremony. i dunno... its funny coz i feel like i'm the one who's getting cold feet in this whole marriage thing. As if i'm the commitment-phobic! which i hope its not true!

ok. fast-forward to one fine day, we were sitting and discussing on current issues by the beach in Melaka. I gave my opinion on the matter, only to be met with a ridiculed response from him. i actually swallowed it in and controlled my feelings, trying to be patient (which would be more of an outburst usually). Then, after some time, since i couldn't ignore the nagging of my upset emotions inside me, i came out and told him that he had hurt me with his comment earlier. Surprisingly, he listened and apologised! and then we discussed about what happened and how we both liked the way we settled the problem before letting it explode into a big argument. We both agree to trying this method from now on, but of course, this takes lots of practice and effort to maintain.

To prove that it is not 100% foulproof, last night didnt go that well. i was impatient and rude and he has had quite enough. I told him to leave and questioned why he bothered staying with me for all my inadequacies. of course, he didnt like hearing all that and pointed out what a spoil brat i am. he didnt like it. we ended the conversation just like that, and i headed to bed, trying to sleep in agony.

The next morning, i called him like i always do. part of me wanting to apologise for my selfish behaviour and the other part of me wants to prolong the fight and waiting for him to apologize for being rude after I was in the first place (women and our egos!.. wait... but it might be just me *sigh!*). Again, he didnt take my selfish bait. Instead i was told off how literally rude i was to him and that i think i'm too good to be told off or being advised. That statement hurt me badly. and instead of giving up and really apologise truthfully, i blew up. and so did he. but because i was driving to work and nearly arriving, i didnt want to cry, so i mumbled my apology without sincerity but only with the intention to stop the madness. i was hurt.

and till now, i'm still hurt. hoping to find content in my work and through writing (typing) this post.

the day is still young, and i wouldnt know what will happen next. but i did have this in my mind, even throughout the quarrelling process. i did wonder why i'm so angry at him. why cant i just let the go of the issue. i know its not a big thing, so why am i being stubborn? i mean, life is too short to be angry, sad or hold grudges (at least that is what i tell my patients!). what if one of us won't wake up to see tomorrow and the last thing we said to each other were all those nasty, uncaring words? is it really worth it? even if he didnt realize it first, why is it hard for me to be more mature and loving enough to stop it? ... sigh... questions, questions... i guess not everyone is born a saint.

we all make mistakes. the thing that separates smart people and foolish ones, is whether we realize the goodness within the bad and act on it quickly. rather than act on the bad which usually emerges first. it sounds so simple, yet can be amazingly tough to some people. Like me. =(

I prayed for everything to end well that day, and by God's grace it did. it always does. And i also wished for the good faith and kindness i have in me to count my blessings i've shared with him rather than dwell on those one-off bad moments we had. Because i admit, we had thousands of great and loving moments together. and we're about to make millions. ;)

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